Hot flashes, lack of sleep, mood swings and muscle aches – Let’s face it, the menopause can be a rough ride for those that go through it, but we might be mistaken in thinking its symptoms are reserved just for menopausal women. The reality is, the waves and tides of change can naturally affect our relationships too, impacting our intimate connections and sexual libido with it.
So, what can you expect when the woman in your life approaches her phoenix years? How do you work through the hurdles the menopause can bring? And that all important question, can you still enjoy a satisfying sex life once you’ve waved a solid goodbye to those impending monthly cycles?
Most definitely.
With any relationship, comes times of challenge and the menopause is no exception. Affecting almost all people who menstruate at some point in life, the average age for the onset of symptoms is typically around 40, but for some people this can be much sooner, or later in life dependant on various factors.
Emotional changes during Menopause
As a person goes through the three stages of menopause; the perimenopause, the menopause and post-menopause, various symptoms will fluctuate and evolve.
Of all symptoms recorded, being less tolerant seems to be one of the most frequent reporting amongst menopausal people, with up to 70% describing irritability as their main emotional problem during the earlier stages of the menopause.
While those hectic mood patterns may seem irrational, there’s plenty fuelling the motors to make them happen. Because of the effects of menopause on mental health, your partner may be experiencing brain fog and forgetfulness or low mood.
Occasionally, self-esteem may have suffer, leading to a lack of confidence, putting their sexual appetite (and your relationship) under a new kind of pressure.
Throughout this year, English model and television personality, Penny Lankaster, and her rock singer husband, Rod Stewart, have spoken openly about the emotional backlash of the menopause.
“She was in a fragile situation. I just had to listen and learn and get ready for saucepans being thrown through the kitchen. It was frightening, because this really wasn’t the person I married. We talked about it, which I think is the most important thing a couple can do..."-Rod Stewart.
While communication will play an important role in navigating through the emotional changes of the menopause, remember to consider how it’s affecting you too, and be honest with your partner about how you also feel.
Physical Changes During Menopause
No; chances are, menopause won’t send an automatic signal to your partner’s nether regions,
instructing a drought, and contrary to popular belief, it’s not a case of drying up like the Sahara Desert.
Although this study suggests around 13% of menopausal women will experience vaginal dryness. It
happens when the vaginal lining becomes thinner and loses some of its natural moisture. It’s
common for vaginal sensitivity to also change.
“My wife didn’t noticeably lose her sex drive, but her responses definitely changed. She lost a lot of sensitivity for a while and could no longer orgasm through oral or finger stimulation.” – Forum Member
As oestrogen levels dip and menstrual cycles start to phase out, the body responds in a number of
different ways. Weight gain is common, along with a change in body shape, a loss of collagen
and skin elasticity.
Bones can become more fragile or brittle, bringing with it joint aches and pains. Then, there can
be the unexpected temperature hikes, hot flushes and night sweats.
“My wife only mentioned last night her nipples had become strangely sore despite us not playing with them. She said the soreness reminded her of when she was lactating. She is also suffering badly with leg joint pains and is struggling to get comfortable in bed. She is starting to gain weight which isn’t helping her mood swings.” –Forum Member
When change is good.
For many people, menopause is the start of a whole new chapter! For those that experienced difficult menstrual cycles previously, it can almost come as a relief.
For you, and your partner, menopause can mean there’s no need to worry about contraception or unplanned pregnancies anymore which can in turn, boost your libido
and open the door to a stellar and spontaneous sex life.
Many people refer to the menopause as a positive and empowering experience, with
some finding the menopause to a be a time of ‘sexual awakening’, where they feel more free to explore sex outside of the realms they’ve known it previously.
You might find your partner wants sex more often, wants to try new things intimately, or has become suddenly more confident in the bedroom.
“The main difference now is that my wife is almost permanently aroused, consequently we have sex more frequently than we ever have done (at least daily and often 3 or more
times a day). She's become multi-orgasmic and can orgasm literally within a few seconds of starting sex.” –Forum Member
Many people will experience little to no changes at all as they transition through the
menopause stages.
“My wife is 51 and went through the menopause starting at about age 45 when her periods stopped. Luckily, she hardly had any symptoms, just occasionally feeling a bit hot, but otherwise fine, no weight gain or mood swings etc. so I guess she got off lightly.” – Forum Member
How you can support your partner through menopause
Be patient
No menopause journey is ever the same, but one thing most of them will have in common is the course of time. Some people may experience the symptoms of menopause for up to 12 whole years, so there’s a lot to be said for being patient. Know that whatever changes your partner may be going through, they won’t last for forever. Be patient and offer your spousal support when needed.
Be adaptable
Your partner is changing, and in more ways than one. From mood to physical response and maybe even appearance, there’ll be a few noticeable changes once the menopause starts to unfold. It may be that how you have sex together changes slightly, or how often you do it becomes lesser or more, so be prepared to adapt together and then roll with it.
Ask questions
To support your partner fully through the menopause, you’ll need to understand how it’s affecting them, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. From a simple ‘how are you feeling today?’ to a more personal ‘does this still feel good for you?’ in the throes of passion can help you relate and respond better to your partners needs and desires.
Listening to your feelings
This time of change applies to you both. Your partner can show support for you too by listening to your feelings and understanding that you are also impacted by the menopause. Encourage them to hear you out on how the menopause experience has been for you, from feeling a bit lost on how to help your partner, to feeling unattracted or less desired if sex and intimacy has become strained.
Offering reassurance
Even if it seems otherwise, the chances are, your partner is still very much attracted to you. But with arousal, vaginal dryness and sex frequency possibly less than usual, it’s important for your partner to offer their reassurances to you that you still are the person they love and want. If you find yourself needing to hear those words of confirmation, discuss this with your partner so that know how you’re feeling.
Open communication
As your partner goes through their own experience, from perimenopause, to full menopause and even the after-event, you will both need to make it a commitment to keep the communication channels open. Your partner is best placed to help you support them and the only way for them to do that is to be honest through regular check-ins.
Lube, lube, lube
Vaginal dryness is a common occurrence during the menopause. A lack of moisture can cause friction and discomfort, making sex quite a fair bit more uncomfortable than it used to be. Even when your partner is aroused and in the mood for intimacy, their body
may respond differently. Lubricant helps by enhancing the sensation of touch, making sex more enjoyable for all involved.
Try new positions
As the body changes, your partner may start to find some sex positions more challenging. If the menopause was induced by surgery, there’s a chance that the vaginal canal has become shorter, meaning your partner may occasionally enjoy positions that are either less penetrative or non-penetrative at all.
For a little inspiration, check out our
‘Position of the Week’ posts.
Introduce toys.
A loss of sensitivity getting in the way of great sex? There’s no reason for it to. Instead, see this as a
great opportunity to be more adventurous in the bedroom with sex toys. Look for toys that stimulate other parts of the body instead of just the vulva or genitals. Body massagers, nipple clamps, butt
plugs, ticklers, floggers and crops are all good choices for mixing it up.
Menopause & Sex Toys
Believe it or not, we’re still busting myths and unearthing facts about the menopause. We know so much, and yet so little too, but one thing we can be almost certain about is that for many of us, the menopause can impact our sex lives.
Go back a few hundred years ago, and as people approached the menopause and began to find sex and intimacy, well, a little uncomfortable? There wasn’t really much that could be done.
Even more recently, maybe in the last few decades, conversations about the menopause have been kept relatively confidential. We haven’t been so keen to divulge our issues to our healthcare professionals, and sharing those more intimate parts of ourselves with our partners? That hasn’t really happened much either.
Fortunately, the passing of time has seen us open up much more and now we’re way less restricted in keeping our experiences, thoughts and troubles to ourselves.
Collectively, we can agree that the menopause genuinely can affect the way we feel sexually – and that my friend, is totally ok. More than ok, and probably much more common than you might think it is.
Let’s break it down…
35% of menopausal women reported reduction of sexual desire
The most prevalent sexual symptoms associated with the menopause are reduced vaginal lubrication and arousal.
Many couples believe night sweats and disturbed sleep are part responsible for a decline in sexual activity.
So, as the menopause changes our sexual appetite and in some cases, responses and intimacy preferences too, do the toys we usually go for change with them? Quite possibly!
The menopause can be a great way to learn more about ourselves sexually, giving us the opportunity to explore our bodies more and discover our lesser known body responses and turn-ons, while letting us enjoy the sensations of toys we maybe wouldn’t have chosen before.
Want some inspiration for keeping things turned on when the monthlies turn off? Let us help with that!
Let's get wet!
As once said by a very insightful Desire member, “It’s a lot easier to get a slippery clit aroused than a dry one!”, so using lubricant during sex and intimacy can really help get those motors fired up. One of the more common sex complaints of the menopause is a lack of moisture in the vagina, leading to dryness, friction and discomfort.
Even when you’re aroused, turned on and wanting sex, the body and vulva doesn’t always respond the way you might want them to, and getting wet naturally can be just a teeny bit more difficult than it might have been in the past.
Lubricant can enhance the sensation of touch, whether it be your own hand, your partner’s fingers, or a toy, making sex much more enjoyable for all involved.
“Vaginal dryness was a problem for me. Even when I felt aroused I didn’t really get ‘wet’, which made penetrative sex feel uncomfortable for me. Thankfully, using lube really helped me to enjoy being with my partner more.”
There are lots of lubricants available, from water based, to anal ones, those that warm and tingle, and even flavoured ones, which are great for oral-based intimacy.
Touch me elsewhere
While vaginal dryness may be up there in the top 5 menopausal woes, good sex is about much more than the initial prep. Many menopausal people notice other differences in how their bodies respond to touch and intimacy. Particularly in cases where the menopause has been induced through surgical procedures and treatments, and for trans people too, a loss of sensitivity around the vulva and genitals can be common.
But it’s not all bad news, as many have reported that other parts of their body react more quickly or intensely to touch instead, and better still – there are toys that are literally made for just that!
“I lost some sensitivity down below but realized that other parts of my body were almost hyper-sensitive. I’ve developed a secret love for nipple clamps!”
If menopause has your body feeling and reacting a little like this too, consider introducing toys that are targeted for all-over body stimulation. A body massager like this is ideal for not just relieving those tensed up muscles, but for eliciting serious arousal too.
Nipple clamps , suckers and pumps can increase blood supply for toe-curling tingly sensations, while feather ticklers, floggers, crops and whips can let you enjoy a whole range of intoxicating sexual goodness. Here are some of our best-selling toys for all-over pleasure.
Time to experiment
Love your rabbit vibe but want it to work harder for you?
As the regular cycles dry up, many people going through the menopause find their sexual appetite fluctuates, or in some cases, it simply rockets to sky-high levels.
Sometimes this is down to our usual PMS symptoms taking a forever vacation, other times because sex
can actually feel more comfortable than it did before.
“My periods were really heavy and irregular before. Now I’ve gone 7 months without one and I feel better than ever, so I’ve started to experiment more with toys, finding onesthat are familiar to me but different too.”
With your sexual appetite soaring, you might want to look for toys that have a little extra edge to them. Things like multi-speed vibrators or a rabbit vibe that thrusts and warms too can be good pleasure products to take for a trial run.
They’ll feel somewhat close to their original form but have something special about them to take your
intimate encounter to next-level satisfaction. Clitoral suction vibrators are also proving to be amongst some of our most popular toys.
A different fit
So, we’ve established we may get less wet, and our response to touch could change too, but what else?
In some cases, the menopause can change how we are anatomically. Physical changes, such as the narrowing, tightening or shortening of the vagina, can happen for a
number of reasons. Sometimes where the menopause is surgically induced, the canal leading to where the cervix is, or would be, can be considerably shorter.
Along with this, if you’ve been unable to have sex frequently or for a certain amount of time, the vagina can feel tighter and more narrow. This can also happen if sex has become uncomfortable through natural menopause.
If narrowing or tightness is making things a little more uncomfortable for you, you might find a vaginal
dilator set a good way to build up to bigger penetration.
“Following a hysterectomy, I found myself in early surgical menopause. Without my cervix intact anymore, I find bigger toys more intimidating and difficult to use. Now I choose toys with a smaller overall length, but ones that have different functions or features I can enjoy instead.”
Con't.....Menopause & Toys Guide.